Running Late, With Scissors

We have a new rule in our house that was in effect as of 10:19am this morning. This new rule is that if you were born later than the year 2000 you may not use scissors in my house. No exceptions.

We were having a nice morning in our house. The baby went down for a nap, Abby and I were frolicking around the house cleaning some rooms and making a mess in others. We were waiting for my mom to come over to watch the ladies so I could mow the lawn. Bob Barker was softly playing in the background. Then my mother in law called.
As soon as I got on the phone Abby was in my face asking if she could cut the yellow paper. At first I said no, but between her whining and my MIL's whining I had to make one stop, so I relented and let Abby have the scissors. Now usually I am right there when she is cutting paper into miniscule bits "for her friends", but I had to finish putting the laundry away so I walked away. Laundry away, MIL still droning on about her impending move (SIX BLOCKS AWAY FROM ME!), I notice how quiet Abby is, so I go and check. She was kind of hiding under the table and as soon as she saw me she hid the scissors behind her back and started saying, "I'm not doing anyfing mommy"- major red light, right. So I look on the floor to see what she has been cutting and what do I see on the floor....HER HAIR!

I hung up on my MIL and began examining my darling's head to assess the damage. In all honesty, it could have been worse. I mean it was bad that she cut her hair, but really it is almost just a stylish layer that she added in the front. I have told her about a million times that we only cut paper, but that has not stopped her from cutting everything from her sheets to the dish towels in the kitchen. I guess hair is added to this list now too....

So my mom finally came over so I could mow the lawn and upon her arrival she got on the phone to our cousin in Burr Ridge. I was ignoring most of the conversation, but I heard the tail end which was something about talking to me and seeing her later. Turns out, in true Linda style, my mom told her that she was going to bring the girls out to have lunch with her this afternoon. What?!

Now, my mom is often a free babysitter and she does do very nice things, whether you want them done or not, but she is also CRAZY! My issues with her are a whole blog in and of itself, but she is constantly doing this double booking shit that I can't stand. She had plans with her cousin but wanted to pimp my kids and take them out to see her 45 minutes away. Then came the guilt trip about me going too. So after I mowed the lawn we packed up and headed out to Burr Ridge (45 minutes away).

On the drive down I told my mom that we had a playdate at 3:30, that I could possibly push to 3:45, but would prefer not to. She said it was no problem and that we would be gone my 2:30 (it was then that I should have known).

In social settings, mainly with this part of our family, my mom turns into this freakish asshole who I can't stand being around. She gushes more insincerely than usual, she feigns interest in things that she will later condemn, and she tries to pimp me and my kids. When we sat down to lunch my mom looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it be interesting if you shared what was going on with your in laws?"
Pardon me, but why would I want to talk about my fucking in laws fucking divorce with someone that hates them (my mom) and someone who doesn't know them? Is that really appropriate? A bit further into lunch my mom commented on the fact that I "rule with an iron fist" because I wouldn't let Abby put her hand in ketchup and paint on the plate. I'm sorry we are working on table manners, as soon as it stopped being cute to my mom, she would have had no problems telling me that I needed to discipline my kid. So after lunch we went outside with the kids where there was no shade and I was the only adult no smoking. I tolerated it for a minute, but Eleanor hates the sun in her eyes so I went in the house. My mom came after me to tell me how rude I was for not joining the converstion, and didn't like it when I told her that Nora didn't want a cigarette after her lunch and that she was not working on her tan.

At this point it was 2:15, so I started to gracefully start our exit. I was ignored and more smoke was blown on my kids. At 2:45 I mentioned that I needed to go home, but we "had to have" chocolate cake before we left per my mother's request. I was fuming. My mom always pulls this shit with me. It is like her bait and switch, she just figures that she has me so she can do whatever she wants. At 3:15, I called my friend and told her that the playdate was off, she told me to call when I got home maybe we could work something out, cool. Finally at 3:44 we were in the car on the way home. We were not out of the driveway before my mom was screaming about how rude I was tapping my foot trying to leave. She thought she had raised me to be more gracious than that. And another thing, we would have had more time if I hadn't mowed the lawn.

The ride home was pretty miserable. Silence was interrupted with bursts of rage about what an asshole I am because I don't want Nora exposed to Marlboro Reds and direct sunlight on her delicate skin. I am ungrateful to her for driving me out there and buying me and Abby lunch. She thought she raised me better than that. Had my kids not been in the car I would have jumped out at Army Trail Rd.

By the time we got home my mom was repenting and apologizing profusely to Abby and I about her behavior and for us missing out playdate. She wanted to buy us dinner and got upset when I refused, asking me why I was punishing her. She made a scene on my front yard and left, only to return 20 minutes later with a gallon of milk, a package of hotdogs and a can of Pringles. Nothing says I'm sorry like groceries from Walgreens.

Moral of the story, we need a landscaping service to mow our lawn once a week.